Committee
| President | Gordon Galloway | ||
| Secretary | Richard Proctor | ||
| Treasurer | Sean MacAleer | ||
| Captain | Kurt Bayer | ||
| Vice-Captain | Dave Sadler |
Selection Committee
Membership: 3 senior (i.e. paid up) club members holding some office or other, e.g. Captain, Vice-Captain, Secretary (who somehow always has a say), Treasurer, President.
Functions: selection of the Playing Committee for the forthcoming weekend's fixtures.
Cowardice does not preclude election, since the Committee meet secretly and the outcome of deliberations are spinelessly published via the e-mail list.
Selection criteria (in no particular order) include: availability, availability of others, ability, form, seniority, captaincy, vice-captaincy, personality, valid driving licence, predicted reaction to being dropped, history of violence.
Playing Committee
Membership: selection by the Selection Committee; payment of match fee without delay or complaint; arrive on time and properly attired (wearing something white, apart from sports socks).
Functions: to participate in batting, bowling and fielding duties in accordance with the Captain's instructions, promptly and without complaint, however bizarre and illogical such instructions may at first seem.
When batting, to score lots of runs. Quickly.
When bowling, to take lots of wickets, whilst at the same time not giving away many runs.
When fielding, to make catches rather than drop them; to field the ball without fumbling, and to immediately throw it fast and true to the end most likely to facilitate a run-out.
Slip Committee
Membership: portly members of the Playing Committee requiring to be "hidden in the field". This requirement is usually based upon member's inabilty to catch an approaching ball, inability to turn and run fter a moving ball and/or (usually 'and') inability to throw. Eligibilty usually exceeds available places.
Chosen members will be known as the "slip cordon" and will be required to arrange themselves in an orderly fashion between the wicket keeper and the wider of any gullies, such that their positions on an overhead camera view would be intersected by a straight or slightly curved line drawn from the wicket keeper towards the wider of any gullies, like on 'Today at the Test'.
The wicket keeper shall be deemed an honorary member of the Slip Committee.
Placement at point does not warrant membership of the Slip Committee.
The requirements were succinctly summarised by R.Proctor at Kirriemuir, 2000
Functions: to appear at all times to be at least anticipating the possibilty of a slip catch.
To decide upon whose drop it was.
To nominate any remaining upright member to chase the edged ball towards the boundary.
Teas Committee
Membership: all paid up members of the Playing Committee, together with any appropriate hangers on (sons, scorers, etc).
Functions
Home games: to bring and help prepare the laying out of tea.
To participate in consumption of tea, being ever mindful of the additional calorific demands of the Slip Committee.
To chat jovially with the opposing team, regardless of events during the first innings
Away games: to participate in consumption of tea, being ever mindful of the additional calorific demands of the Slip Committee.
To chat jovially with the opposing team, regardless of events during the first innings.
To chat jovially amongst ourselves about the quantity and quality of the tea provided.
To specifically thank any ladies involved in preparing or serving tea.
Away to K*****h: to be overheard bitching and grousing about the sparsity and poor quality of the tea provided. To avoid any kind of jovial chat with the opposition.
Acceptable sandwich fillings: ham; british roast beef; cheese (preferably moistened with pickle or chutney); tuna (preferably with mayonnaise or cucumber); egg mayonnaise; greenhouse tomatoes, salad garnish.
Unaccepatable sandwich fillings: cucumber on its own; meat paste; salmon paste, French or German roast beef; processed cheese.
Penalty for bringing 'girly' sandwiches: anyone bringing sandwiches containing cucumber which has been peeled and/or sliced too finely will face instantly dismissal from the Teas Committee. The same penalty applies to sandwiches which have been cut diagonally or had the crusts trimmed off, regardless of filling.
Shower Committee
Membership: any members of the Playing Committee who have may have broken sweat during either innings or during tea and, as a result, does not wish to be denied the opportunity of later conjugal rights by going home to their partner/pets in an unwashed state.
For obvious reasons of hygiene, members are also required to come suitably equipped with their own shower gel and towel. Flip-flops are optional.
Members of the Playing Committee may borrow such items but this does not constitute membership of the Shower Committee proper.
Functions: firstly, to have a shower. Members who are first to finish are expected to report back to the remainder of the Committee concerning the adequacy or otherwise of the shower facilities. Important considerations include the number of showers available, water temperature, water pressure, the location of any faulty units, general cleanliness and the existence of any hazards (slippery floors, faulty electrics, etc.).
Tour Committee
Membership: 2 or 3 club members volunteered each year at the AGM
Functions: to dream about the prospects of an imaginary tour. Hypothetical duties include organisation of fixtures, travel, accommodation and social events. On 3 notable occasions tour committees have surprised everyone, including themselves, by organising an actual tour (Sunderland 1995, Bute 1996 and Milan 1998).
Perhaps the main responsibility of the Tour Committee is to shoulder the responsibility for failure of the tour to materialise.
Touring Fines Committee
Membership: a self-appointed body of 2 or 3 tourists, usually including the Treasurer, whose function it is to decide upon the structure and administration of the fines system for the duration of the tour. The first duty of the Committee is to fine themselves for undemocratic self-appointment. The Committee should include at least one reliable book-keeper. It must be clearly understood by all tourists that the Committee themselves are not exempt from fines. Sanctimonious, corrupt and self-righteous behaviour is itself punishable by fine.
Functions: to adjudicate all aberrant touring behaviour, to formally state that a fine has been imposed, to allow offenders the opportunity to state any lawful defence or mitigation (and then disregard them), to keep adequate written records and to collect fines at the end of the tour. Quiet tourists may be fined for inappropriately sullen behaviour.
In practice, most aspects of punishable behaviour are witnessed by at least one member of the Committee. Public spirited tourists wishing to bring unwitnessed offences to the attention of the Fines Committee must inform the Chief Ratter to the Fines Committee. Tourists taking it upon themselves to report offences to the Committee directly will usually be found guilty of squealing, a heinous crime which is itself punishable by a hefty fine.
Social Committee
Membership: criteria to be finalised
Functions: to organise and attend close-season social events. To attend at the bar after all away games. To attend at MC's Bar, Hawkhill, Dundee after all games, home and away. To consider any other social matters e.g. the appointment of the Party Girl as official Club Mascot.
Coaching Committee
Membership: any club members holding a valid coaching certificate:
Dave Sadler
Ladson Hayes
(Graham Worrall did not attend certification exam)
Functions: to attempt to point out and rectify any apparent deficiencies in technique exemplified by members of the Playing Committee, eitherduring matches or at the Easter net practice sessions. To exhibit appropriate professionalism in the face of such adverse comment as "What the f**k do you know about batting?".
Kit-Packing Duties
An age-old Norwood tradition.
The first Norwood player to drop a catch is required to retrieve items of kit scattered by Proc and neatly pack them away in the kit bag. The kit-packer is required to appear suitably humbled by the experience and to accept reasonable jeering and piss-taking with good humour.
The definition a dropped catch:
the ball is spilled from the hands
the ball touches the hands
the ball was within reach but no reasonable catching attempt was made
The Playing Committee may be required to adjudicate as to:
what represents a reasonable catching attempt
who is primarily to blame when a catch is spilled following a fielding collision
Any player unfortunate enough to drop a catch on his debut for Norwood must wear the club bra whilst packing the kit.
Bra-wearing Roll of Honour:
Neil Henderson
Lee, at Arbroath, 2000 (in the dressing room and in the bar afterwards!)
